“I could never hate you, Jay. I don’t want you to leave me, leave our home. I wanna you here, I need you here. I love you very much,” he smiled softly. “Let’s just stop fighting, please?”
“I’ll stay, baby,” Jace agreed. “But…Just not fighting, doesn’t solve why we’re fighting,” He sighed. “Will you start telling me when you have nightmares? About what happened at the Orphanage?”
“The nightmares are about him, Jay. That’s why I didn’t tell you before. I’m sorry, okay? Can you forgive me?”
“I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna leave my home, Tommy, but I’ll go if that’s what you need,” Jace offered. “If it’s what we need. I just…I was worried about you hating me in a few centuries. Now I’m worried about you hating me before we even get married. I can’t help how I feel. I can’t help needing to know what’s going on with you. That’s not gonna change.”
“I could never hate you, Jay. I don’t want you to leave me, leave our home. I wanna you here, I need you here. I love you very much,” he smiled softly. “Let’s just stop fighting, please?”
“I know, I know,” Tom shook his head and held Jace’s hand, squeezing it softly. “I never lied to you, Jay. Never.”
“You didn’t go to the store,” Jace pointed out. “Saying you’re fine when you’re not and not telling me major things that happened to you…that’s the same thing as lying,” He sighed. “We’ll figure it out. We always do.”
“I’m sorry… I really am…” Tom looked down. “If you..You think you should go to Mary’s place.. That’s okay. I understand.”
“You know me, Jay,” Tom looked up and reached for Jace’s hand. “I’m sorry. I really am. Please, don’t be mad at me… I can’t lose you too. I can’t.”
“You’re not gonna lose me,” Jace promised. “You’re not. I killed someone, remember? I know what that feels like. I coulda…I coulda helped,” He held his hand. “I don’t like you hurting and not telling me and marriage is never gonna work if you brush everything off and lie about it.”
“I know, I know,” Tom shook his head and held Jace’s hand, squeezing it softly. “I never lied to you, Jay. Never.”
“I know it’s important, I just don’t like to talk about it. You wouldn’t like, too.”
“I’m worried I don’t know you at all,” Jace confessed. “I don’t care what’s happened or what you’ve done. I love you no matter what, but…I don’t like being kept in the dark. I’d do anything for you. I’ve done stuff I never thought I would. For you. Just…” He shook his head.
“You know me, Jay,” Tom looked up and reached for Jace’s hand. “I’m sorry. I really am. Please, don’t be mad at me… I can’t lose you too. I can’t.”
“I never talked about him to anyone,” Tom sighed and took a deep breath. “It was my fault.”
“No, it wasn’t. It was an accident. You didn’t mean for it to happen,” Jace rested his chin on Tom’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about your friend. I’m sorry…sorry we’ve been fighting. I am, but I can’t help you if you don’t tell me when something is wrong. I can’t…I can’t be your husband if you keep stuff like this from me. It’s important.”
“I know it’s important, I just don’t like to talk about it. You wouldn’t like, too.”
Jace was silent for a long time, “I’m sorry, baby. I wish you’d told me about him before,” He rubbed Tom’s back. “It wasn’t an accident, baby. It wasn’t your fault. You were just a kid.”
“I never talked about him to anyone,” Tom sighed and took a deep breath. “It was my fault.”
“We grew up together, at the orphanage. I mean, he was few months younger than me, and he..He never cared about me being different.” Tom took a deep breath. “He was the only kid there who never cared.”
“Thought you didn’t have any friends there,” Jace said honestly. Tom never talked about it. “He sounds nice. What…What happened to him?”
“We were almost 8. Some older kids have broken my arm and I…I was so angry and frustrated… About everything. We were kids, so we just fought because of something stupid…” Tom hid a sob and hid his face on his hands again. “I pushed him and… We were running, we didn’t see the stairs…” He sobbed loudly this time. “He..He broke the neck and..I could do nothing to help…”
“I went there to see someone… An old friend..” He shook his head.
“In a cemetery,” Jace filled in. “Who was it? You ever talk about anyone from before we met.”
“We grew up together, at the orphanage. I mean, he was few months younger than me, and he..He never cared about me being different.” Tom took a deep breath. “He was the only kid there who never cared.”
“I’m not lying to you…” Tom mumbled.
“I believe,” Jace said nodding. “Why were you there?”
“I went there to see someone… An old friend..” He shook his head.
Tom looked down and sighed. “I… I went to the orphanage. To the cemetery behind it, actually…” He said softly and sat down on the couch, hiding his face on his hands.
“Tell me why,” Jace pressed him even as he moved closer and put a gentle hand on his back. “You’re keeping so much from me. I tell you everything. This isn’t gonna keep working if you keep hiding stuff and lying to me.”
“I’m not lying to you…” Tom mumbled.
“You…” Tom gulped and looked back at Jace. “Don’t leave… Please. Please, Jay.”
“Then tell me the truth,” Jace said softly. “Where did you go? Don’t tell me the store. Don’t lie. You’re not that good at it either.”
Tom looked down and sighed. “I… I went to the orphanage. To the cemetery behind it, actually…” He said softly and sat down on the couch, hiding his face on his hands.
“They were out of stock…” He shrugged and took his shoes off, ignoring the mud in them. “I’ll make our lunch.”
Jace looked at Tom’s shoes and shook his head, “Right, of course,” He paused. “I’m thinking maybe I should…go to Mom’s place for a while. Til things calm down. So we don’t end up killing each other.”
“You…” Tom gulped and looked back at Jace. “Don’t leave… Please. Please, Jay.”
Tom looked up and nodded. “Hi,” he said softly, picking Cora up and petting her again.
“Where’s your stuff?” Jace asked trying to stay calm. “I thought you had to go to some super secret store to buy super secret things you couldn’t take Mordred to? So…shouldn’t there be bags and shit?”
“They were out of stock…” He shrugged and took his shoes off, ignoring the mud in them. “I’ll make our lunch.”
Tom came back home after few hours and peeked inside, sighing softly. He leaned down to pet Cora and smiled softly. “Hey, girl.”
Jace wasn’t feeling any better than he had before Tom left. He’d taken a nap, but it hadn’t helped. He played with his ring fearing everyone was right and they were making a mistake. He thought Tom told him everything, but now…Jace shook his head. He walked down the stairs, “Hey.”
Tom looked up and nodded. “Hi,” he said softly, picking Cora up and petting her again.
“No, stay home. Please. I need to buy some things and I can’t take Mordred with me.” Tom licked his lips and took his keys before Jace, going outside quickly.
“What things?” Jace mumbled after Tom ran out. He was tired of feeling like Tom was keeping stuff from him. He sighed. What could he be doing that he couldn’t take Mordred with him?
Tom came back home after few hours and peeked inside, sighing softly. He leaned down to pet Cora and smiled softly. “Hey, girl.”
Tom knelt down and touched the grave, smiling sadly. He was silent for some moments and then he took a deep breath. “Hey… I know it’s been a while. I’m sorry.” He said softly. “I’m glad Lore was taking care of everything here. I know I shouldn’t have disappeared.”
“I’m having some problems with Jay. We’re going to get married. I want it so bad, and I’m so scared… Because of what happened, Mog. It wasn’t fair. I should have taken care of you… I know she keeps saying it wasn’t my fault, but I know it was. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have hurt you, never…”
Tom sobbed softly and looked down, shaking his head. He took another deep breath, trying to keep calm, but he couldn’t help when he started crying silently.
“It wasn’t fair to you… If you were here, maybe things could be better…Easier.. Maybe I’d know what to do now.” He mumbled. “I can’t forgive myself for what I did. Sometimes I think I don’t want to. I…I already hurt him. I almost lost him, another person I love. I should be dead, Mog, not you. I’m a monster.”
Tom sighed and wiped his face, trying to stop crying. He looked around for a moment, but then touched the grave toward him again, stroking the name.
“Why can I just hurt everyone, Mog? I know I’m a monster, but.. I’m too scared, and I don’t know what to do. You’d know, though. You were the smarter one, remember? I just could bring trouble to us.”
“…I miss you, brother. I really do. I wish things could be different. I wish you could be here.”
“‘Cos you’re acting as an idiot and a drama queen…” Tom mumbled softly and shook his head again. “Sorry, Jay, you’re alright. I’ll shut up.” He sighed and went to the kitchen again, trying to get distracted.
“I think I need to not be here for a little while,” Jace pulled his shoes back on. “I’m not gonna be the bad guy while you just act like a fucking martyr. I’m gonna get some air. I’ll be back later.”
“No, stay home. Please. I need to buy some things and I can’t take Mordred with me.” Tom licked his lips and took his keys before Jace, going outside quickly.
“Please, stop…” Tom asked softly, bitting his bottom lip to not start crying. “I know you’re angry.”
“You’re the one that started yelling at me, calling me an idiot and a drama queen. And apparently you’re keeping shit from me. What am I supposed to think? ‘Cos that sure doesn’t sound like someone that wants me around,” Jace looked away.
“‘Cos you’re acting as an idiot and a drama queen…” Tom mumbled softly and shook his head again. “Sorry, Jay, you’re alright. I’ll shut up.” He sighed and went to the kitchen again, trying to get distracted.
“I don’t need your help about it, Jace.” Tom mumbled. “I need you to stop being like that.”
“You don’t need me at all, I guess,” Jace said softly and shook his head. “I’ll just leave you alone. That’s clearly what you want. Maybe you want me to leave.”
“Please, stop…” Tom asked softly, bitting his bottom lip to not start crying. “I know you’re angry.”
“I am fine, dammit! My nightmares aren’t about that, I don’t think about that anymore.” Tom shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t forget everything that happened to me beside that. I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“And you won’t tell me a fucking thing! Maybe if you told me I could help you, but no you keep it a secret. How much are you keeping from me?” Jace demanded.
“I don’t need your help about it, Jace.” Tom mumbled. “I need you to stop being like that.”
“I didn’t say you need my permission,” Jace sat up and glared at him. “But we’re supposed to tell each other everything. You let me think you were fine. You let me think that was over and then you think you can just tell me you’re having nightmares and I’m not gonna be concerned? I’ve seen your nightmares, Tom. Are you even sure you remember all of them? Are you lying about the hallucinations? About taking your pills? If you keep lying to me, what else am I supposed to think? You’re probably lying about everything,” He snapped. “You’re not a monster, but if you make stupid fucking mistakes you can get dangerous and not telling us you’ve got shit going on is part of that.”
“I am fine, dammit! My nightmares aren’t about that, I don’t think about that anymore.” Tom shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t forget everything that happened to me beside that. I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“You know what?” Tom sighed. “I’m really tired of you being an idiot and trying to start a fight. You’re not the only one who has problems, so stop pretending you are.”
“I’m not trying to start a fight! Maybe I’d know about your problems if you ever told me about them instead of hiding them! I’m sorry that the possibility of you losing your mind again and trying to kill me or, God forbid, Mordred, scares the shit outta me on top of everything else!”
“Shut up!” Tom growled, taking a deep breath. “For God’s sake, just shut up. You don’t need to remind me I’m a monster. I know. If I didn’t tell you, maybe it’s ‘cos my recent nightmares aren’t of your business. I can keep some things just to me, or may I should ask for your permission first?”
“Great,” Jace pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, “Glad you enjoyed that.”
“Well, I can’t say the kid’s wrong.” He shrugged and sipped his coffee again.
“No, you made it quite clear who’s wrong here,” Jace stared at the ceiling.
“You know what?” Tom sighed. “I’m really tired of you being an idiot and trying to start a fight. You’re not the only one who has problems, so stop pretending you are.”
“I already told you you’re a bad liar, Jace.” Mordred shrugged and grabbed the carrots, going to his room to find Morgan.
Tom chuckled a little and drinked his coffee slowly.
“Great,” Jace pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, “Glad you enjoyed that.”
“Well, I can’t say the kid’s wrong.” He shrugged and sipped his coffee again.
“Everything’s fine, dude. Don’t worry,” Jace smiled at the kid. “Just enjoy breakfast. Tommy worked hard on it.”
“I already told you you’re a bad liar, Jace.” Mordred shrugged and grabbed the carrots, going to his room to find Morgan.
Tom chuckled a little and drinked his coffee slowly.
Jace looked up when they came down the stairs. “Morning, kid,” He said to Mordred before laying back down and covering his eyes again.
“It doesn’t look like a good morning, though.” Mordred smiled softly and picked Rick up. “Hello, you. Are you too hungry like Jessie?”
“I’m sure they’re hungry, buddy,” Tom took milk to the cats and handed Mordred some carrots. “Here, Morgan was nibbling your blanket.”
“Of course.” Tom rolled his eyes and finished making the food, going to the living room. “You can eat if you’re hungry.” He shrugged and went upstairs, going to Mordred’s room to wake the boy up.
“I’m fine,” Jace took his shoes off and laid down on the couch. He put his arm over his eyes.
Tom woke Mordred up, chuckling softly when Jessie jumped on the boy’s head, meowing. “I’m sure she’s hungry like you. The food is ready.” He smiled softly and kissed Mordred’s forehead, going downstairs again.
“Whatever. Let’s see when you start complaining about how you can’t breathe.”
“Well, we all know you’ll be just fine when I’m gone,” Jace mumbled not even sure Tom could hear him. He finished the cigarette and went back inside sitting down on the couch.
“Of course.” Tom rolled his eyes and finished making the food, going to the living room. “You can eat if you’re hungry.” He shrugged and went upstairs, going to Mordred’s room to wake the boy up.
“You better not be smoking, Jace Winchester, or I’ll kick you back to our room and lock you there.”
“So you’re the only one who can smoke now too?” He called back already half way through his cigarette. “I thought I’m not supposed to worry. Everything’s gonna be fine.” He sighed and took a drag on the cigarette.
“Whatever. Let’s see when you start complaining about how you can’t breathe.”
“I’ll try to remember that,” Tom leaned down to pet Cora and went to Mordred’s room, but the kid was still sleeping, so he went to the kitchen, starting making their breakfast.
Jace walked downstairs. He saw Tom’s cigarettes sitting on one of the end tables. He grabbed one and Tom’s lighter and went out onto the front step.
“You better not be smoking, Jace Winchester, or I’ll kick you back to our room and lock you there.”
“Of course. As I said, you’re always right.”
Jace snorted and shook his head, “Whatever…I see that’s gonna be your new go to passive aggressive comment now. I’m sorry I worry about you. I’m sorry I’m worried you’re gonna let yourself get bad again. It’s not like I had you locked up in case you forgot everything that happened that got you in that hospital. Don’t blame me for not wanting that to happen again either.”
“I’ll try to remember that,” Tom leaned down to pet Cora and went to Mordred’s room, but the kid was still sleeping, so he went to the kitchen, starting making their breakfast.
“Go ahead and blame me, I can see you like to do it sometimes,” Tom shrugged, getting dressed.
“Whatever,” Jace rolled his eyes. “I haven’t blamed you for a damn thing. You just keep taking all the blame for everything.”
“Of course. As I said, you’re always right.”
Tom shook his head. “I really love when you act as a drama queen…” He mumbled, getting out of the tub and reached for a towel, drying himself off and going to their room, taking some clothes.
“I’m the drama queen? Seriously? I’m not the one that stomped off into the woods when we were in Pennsylvania like an idiot and ran right into a hunter,” Jace snapped following Tom to their room.
“Go ahead and blame me, I can see you like to do it sometimes,” Tom shrugged, getting dressed.
“I am taking care of myself, okay?”
Jace sighed heavily, “Okay,” He got out of the tub and started draining it reaching for a towel. “Forget I said anything.”
Tom shook his head. “I really love when you act as a drama queen…” He mumbled, getting out of the tub and reached for a towel, drying himself off and going to their room, taking some clothes.
“Okay, I won’t. Don’t worry so much about it.”
“I’m not worried. I just want you to take care of yourself,” Jace shrugged.
“I am taking care of myself, okay?”
“I know, and you’re being overprotective,” Tom smiled and kissed Jace gently. “You know I love it, but you can go easy sometimes.”
“Okay…Okay, just don’t let it get bad like the last time, okay? I can’t help you fix it if you don’t tell me.”
“Okay, I won’t. Don’t worry so much about it.”
“I just have some nightmares, baby. It’s not like I have to be locked again. Everyone has nightmares sometimes,” Tom shrugged.
“Hey,” Jace said softly. “I will never make you go back there if you don’t wanna go,” He said firmly. “Just…wake me up if you need to. Talk to me about them,” He shrugged. It wasn’t like he could really relate. The only time he had nightmares was when he was anon-ed into a vampire. His powers kept him from having them.
“I know, and you’re being overprotective,” Tom smiled and kissed Jace gently. “You know I love it, but you can go easy sometimes.”
He chuckled again and nodded. “Okay, mommy, we can talk about my bad dreams later.” He smiled.
“I’m serious,” Jace kissed his jaw. “I thought they’d stopped. I don’t like that you let me think that, to be perfectly honest.”
“I just have some nightmares, baby. It’s not like I have to be locked again. Everyone has nightmares sometimes,” Tom shrugged.
“I know, and I’m sorry,” Tom kissed his temple. “I love you more than anything.”
“You really don’t have to say you’re sorry anymore, baby,” Jace assured him. “I’m glad you love me. That doesn’t mean you’re getting out of talking about your nightmares,” Jace pointed out. “But that can wait for now.”
He chuckled again and nodded. “Okay, mommy, we can talk about my bad dreams later.” He smiled.
“Okay, I can stay,” Tom chuckled and kissed his neck softly. “I love you so much, Jay.”
Jace turned the hot water on warming the tub up, “Now it’s even warmer,” He grinned. “I love you, so much. That’s all this little breakdown is about. It’s about me loving you more than anything,” Jace took Tom’s hand and kissed his palm.
“I know, and I’m sorry,” Tom kissed his temple. “I love you more than anything.”
Tom sighed softly and kissed his cheek. “I should make our food. Mordred must be wake and hungry.” He smiled a bit and stretched.
“You can stay a little longer. It’s still warm,” Jace kissed his jaw. “I’m starting to feel slightly more human which is a plus.”
“Okay, I can stay,” Tom chuckled and kissed his neck softly. “I love you so much, Jay.”
“Don’t be so sure about it,” Tom chuckled a little and bit his shoulder playfully again. “I know, my love. I know. But everything ‘ll be fine, I promise.”
Jace closed his eyes for a moment. He really wanted everyone to stop saying everything would be fine. He just didn’t believe it, but he forced himself to smile and nod, “Yeah, I’ll stop talking about him. Sorry.”
Tom sighed softly and kissed his cheek. “I should make our food. Mordred must be wake and hungry.” He smiled a bit and stretched.
“If you keep talking about him, I’ll be really jealous,” Tom shrugged and kissed his forehead gently. “It doesn’t mean I’ll be that way too.”
“You can’t honestly be jealous of yourself,” Jace rolled his eyes a little. “I hope you’re right. I’m just…I’m trying to forget it happened, but it’s hard.”
“Don’t be so sure about it,” Tom chuckled a little and bit his shoulder playfully again. “I know, my love. I know. But everything ‘ll be fine, I promise.”
“I think I can take care of myself even if I’m alone, Jay,” Tom smiled sadly. “You don’t need to be worried about it, really. I love you and I always will. You don’t need to be a vampire just to make me happy. I know you don’t want it, and you’re right.”
“I know you can. That’s what I told you or…him. But you weren’t. You weren’t feeding, you looked exhausted and…You said Bunny had to save you from hunters. I don’t think you were being careful. It had been at least 20 years, Tommy,” Jace shook his head and hugged Tom tight. “I’m just afraid loving me forever is gonna hurt you.”
“If you keep talking about him, I’ll be really jealous,” Tom shrugged and kissed his forehead gently. “It doesn’t mean I’ll be that way too.”
“Baby, you didn’t do anything,” Jace shook his head. “It wasn’t you. It’s just the whole fucked up situation. I don’t…I don’t wanna be a vampire. I thought I could do it, but then that anon…I can’t do it. I figured it was okay ‘cos we’d talked about it and we’d have a good life and then Dad…He told me how hard it is for him and Mom ‘cos he’s older and it’s not the same, but it kinda is,” He paused not wanting to get upset again. “Then I met you from the future and I feel selfish for not letting you turn me ‘cos then you wouldn’t be alone.”
“I think I can take care of myself even if I’m alone, Jay,” Tom smiled sadly. “You don’t need to be worried about it, really. I love you and I always will. You don’t need to be a vampire just to make me happy. I know you don’t want it, and you’re right.”
Tom chuckled softly and kissed his neck again. “I don’t care about it.”
Jace laughed. “That’s good, I guess,” He reached over and turned the water off. He stripped off his clothes and slipped into the tub, sighing.
Tom smiled and kissed Jace’s neck, taking a washcloth and starting to wash his shoulders softly. “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. I didn’t mean it.”
Tom hugged Jace, kissing his neck softly. “You’re so beautiful…”
“Right now I look pretty gross,” Jace pointed at. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “Thanks, though.”
Tom chuckled softly and kissed his neck again. “I don’t care about it.”
